A recent study has shown that cherry trees can produce up to 8 million blossoms and every stupid, goddamn single one of those little shits is going to end up on your fucking Subaru.
“It’s an interesting time of year, because we get to study this amazing phenomenon surrounding Subarus being almost natural magnets for the paper-thin little piece of shit blossoms from cherry trees,” said horticultural researcher Sarah Dillon-Pierce. “If you have an Outback, a Legacy, or even a Crosstrek, rest assured that it will inevitably be covered in up to 8 million blossoms in a single day and look like a fucking floral installation that went viral on TikTok.”
Many Subaru owners around Seattle rest easier knowing it’s not just them that cherry trees have a vendetta against, though some have balked at the estimated blossom count.
“Jesus fuck, 8 million? That honestly sounds conservative. I mean, look at my goddamn Forester!” said Greenwood resident, Jaron Klein. “And once it rains, those fuckers get absorbed into the paint and they’ll be stuck there forever. No one can even see my bumper’s ‘coexist’ sticker anymore—god-fucking-damnit!”
At the time of publication, a brisk wind had created what can only be described as a tidal wave of cherry blossoms that was spotted heading straight toward Carter Subaru.
