We have no idea why this keeps happening every year about this time of year, but today The Needling—Seattle’s ONLY real fake news—is sad to report that it had to issue cease-and-desist orders to countless fake real fake news outlets that coincidentally just launched today, including Pike Place Market, Grit City Magazine, notorious repeat offender WaDNR, and many others.
Days like this are an important reminder to be thoughtful about where you get your real fake news. Always check sources of information and make sure that the news outlet is—above all and at any cost to humanity—prioritizing getting more clicks, views, and likes.
Here is a partial list of fake real fake news outlets that we have put on-notice:
- Pike Place Market reported that it’s giving Las Vegas a run for its drunken lovers’ money with a new on-site wedding chapel. Yo, step back off our turf and get back to saying accurate things like cars driving through the market even on the weekend makes complete sense.
- Rainier Watch: Oh, so a new amusement park has popped up on the mountain and turned it into a local Disney Matterhorn adventure? Check yourself. I guess we’re the only ones left people can trust to tell them that it’s still there at all.
- Grit City Magazine: Just because Seattle doesn’t have a Lusty Lady anymore doesn’t mean you and the whole city of Tacoma can even THINK of filling that void with your new More Skin, More Win business grants to the McMen Men Men’s Temple and World Famous Boobs Java Jive. Get back to giving us more Galloping Gertie porn, or get out!
- Do206: A Photoshop of the Space Needle wearing a Georgetown Cowboy hat? Wow, so that’s why you didn’t have time to include the Bumbershoot Boycott lineup in your latest newsletter. Do.Your.Job.
- WaDNR you can’t just re-release Earth’s geological history like it’s a Taylor Swift album even though you clearly did. Everyone and I mean everyone wants you to get back to putting out boring press releases with a photo taken by a flip phone.
Do we need to issue any other cease-and-desist orders to any other outlets? Let us know in the comments.
