Long tucked into beanies and snapbacks, Seattle’s man buns are finally emerging from their cotton cocoons and blossoming into waves of follicle foliage just in time for the region’s slew of spring festivities.
Although a cold and wet start to the season stifled the typically timely emergence of the Pacific Northwest’s endemic hair population, local hairnothologists say they expect a strong comeback.
“Despite the late start, I think we’re going to have a really strong man bun season this year,” said Thad Parker, Lead Hairnothologist at Seattle Beauty College. “While the poor weather may have stunted the grooming schedule of some local hipsters, this week’s little heatwave has finally coaxed the man buns to emerge.”
As the various shades of man buns blossom, so do their mating rituals.
“Expect to see an increase in males ordering obscure cocktails for prospective mates without consulting them, as well as aggressively explaining what bouldering is to females who have already said they’ve done it,” Parker explained while meticulously grooming his undercut. “This overly aggressive mating behavior will quickly be over-corrected by quoting some affable, self-deprecating feminist schtick lifted wholesale from an Aziz Ansari stand-up special.”
At press time, local women all across the Puget Sound region are reporting that all their hair ties have mysteriously vanished.
