One local 6’5 guy has gone from dating-app darling to most hated man at The Showbox and perhaps beyond today after parking himself in the front row and blocking the view of hundreds of music fans.
“Any other day or context, I’d probably be crushing on this guy, but today I’m the person who just successfully got every woman in this room to agree to boycott his dick forever,” said 5’3 Lily Jones, flanked by a chorus of hecklers the tall man’s ears were too far away from to hear. “Ugh God, there’s another one! I swear, every time I go to a concert Detlef Schrempf is having a family reunion right in front of the stage. That’s it—I’m posting their photos to the whole Are We Dating the Same Guy? Seattle Facebook page with 10 lines of red flag emojis.”
While taller concert-goers were surprised by the sudden feeling of contempt from the crowd the moment they entered the venue, shorter patrons were relishing the reversal of fortune.
“That’s why I love going to concerts—tall guys may be beloved in the outside world, but in the kingdom of The Showbox, the 5’8 man is short king,” said Leonard Teller, surrounded by an adoring crowd of people actually able to see the show. “Gather round, my loyal subjects, and enjoy the glorious unobstructed view I have provided to you. My legs may be short, but my reign will be long and prosperous!”
Order was restored after the concert at a nearby bar, however, where both Jones and Teller saved the towering dreamboat’s number in their phones as “Big Bird.”
