As a suspected Chinese high-altitude surveillance balloon floated high over the US today, the Space Needle assured Seattle locals that it had been waiting its whole life for this moment.
“All those decades I spent sharpening my needle, honing my deadly skills while popping thousands of balloons that kids let go by the Science Center—yeah, I wish a motherfuckin’ spy balloon would try to enter my airspace,” said the Space Needle. “I already got my cool action movie quip ready for when I pop it, check this out: ‘spy balloon? More like, die balloon!’ Pretty cool, right?”
But as the Space Needle patiently waited for the balloon to slowly waft over and impale itself while the Needle coolly looked away from the resulting explosion, it admitted that a few upgrades would speed up the process.
“I can definitely take out that balloon right now with deadly precision, but I’m just saying that if you guys gave me some wheels I could track it down way faster,” said the Space Needle. “Oh, or like a big cannon so I could launch myself at the balloon. I can’t wait for this balloon to fuck around and find out.”
Experts agreed that, while impractical, putting wheels on the Space Needle to track down the balloon was still significantly less stupid than Republican politicians pointing their guns into the air at an object 66,000 feet above the ground for Twitter photo-ops.
