A thriving Galentine’s Day gathering has gone awry this evening as a volley of romantic ‘u up?’ texts have wooed away its attendees one by one.
“Kate, you get your hands off that phone and place them back onto that charcuterie board!” shouted party host Linda Alvarez, pacing her kitchen with lit Goop candles in each hand. “Kelly, if you text Ben back so help me Beyoncé you will not be getting an invite to Bachelor night next week. Focus, ladies: These clear coats aren’t going to apply themselves! Abby, remember when Eric forgot your birthday? Yeah, and now he wants to text you the night before Valentine’s because he struck out with his Bumble date. The man wears cargo pants in 2023 for Fred Durst’s sake, and you broke up with him for so many reasons. Be strong, ladies, and hold the line!”
Sensing the gravitational force of a familiar dick pulling the girls away from the party, Alvarez launched into an awe-inspiring pep talk.
“Did Lizzo teach you bitches nothing? Too long have we left our self-respect in a heap on the floor like a cute dress that’s still got the tag on it because it’s going back to Zara tomorrow. Too long have we sacrificed our dignity at the altar of the booty call to stave off the lonely spectre of cupid’s looming shadow. But on this night, we say no! On this night, we stand together and – oh, goddamnit, where the fuck is Abby?”
At press time, Abby confirmed to Needling reporters that Eric was still, in fact, wearing cargo pants.
