As winter creeps closer and thermostats continue to drop, the Space Needle has once again come forward to insist that it’s not actually that small, it’s just cold outside.
“I’m not even that small, everyone knows that steel contracts in cold temperatures,” said the Space Needle, scoffing at the insinuation. “It’s bad enough I’m stuck with this galaxy gold dye job without size-obsessed tourists trying to make me feel self-conscious. Besides, it’s not the size of your needle that counts, it’s the imprint you leave on the skyline that matters. The Columbia Tower might be bigger, but I don’t see that dull glass giant on any sports logos, do you?”
The Space Needle continued its rant by taking aim at other towers across the continent.
“Don’t get me started on these other “big” towers. That gaudy Stratosphere has a roller coaster and a wedding chapel—umm, compensating much?” said the Space Needle. “Meanwhile that oversized CN Tower is currently under renovations again, AKA getting more work done. Well I’ll have you know just last month hundreds of people were thrilled to climb me during Base 2 Space and every one of them left exhausted and breathless after a day with me.”
The Space Needle’s claims were backed up after reports poured in that, despite being impressively long, the SR-99 tunnel has reportedly satisfied no one.
