As the Red Cup Rebellion continues to gain momentum across the galaxy, Howard “Darth” Schultz has reportedly ordered the Death Starbucks to destroy the flagship location on Alderaan in an attempt to squash the burgeoning union movement.
“You dare stand against the Corporate Empire? Well then, our coffee beans won’t be the only thing burnt to a crisp today—Grande Moff Tarkin, you may fire at will,” said Darth Schultz, ordering the Queen Alderaan location to be closed permanently. “Oh, and as for the fair bargaining agreement? I am altering the deal. Pray that I do not alter it any further.”
Though the Alderaan location was sadly closed for good, union rebels were able to get a message out before the store was reduced to rubble.
“O-Bean Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope,” said the hologram message from Princess Latte Organa. “I’ve placed information vital to the survival of the Red Cup Rebellion into the memory systems of this UN10N Espresso Unit. You must see this droid safely delivered to Chrissto Smallrissian in our most desperate hour.”
Though many Bothan Baristas were fired obtaining the secret documents today, rebel organizers are reportedly confident that they’ve now finally found the weak point of the Death Starbucks: collectible corporate holiday merchandise.
