Ahead of the long holiday weekend, today Fox News host Tucker Carlson said on his nationally televised program he just wanted to know why every year more of the liberal elite insist that dark meat be served at Thanksgiving dinner.
“Look, I don’t have anything against dark meat – I just want to know why liberal elitist media like Bon Appetit, Cook’s Illustrated and The Pioneer Woman are always extolling the virtues of juicy thighs and critical spice theory to shame us out of our God-given birthright to light meat so tough and dry it’s only consumable when drowned in cranberry corn syrup solids,” said Tucker Carlson, his thin, bird-like lips puckering with anger. “You see, there’s now a woke, liberal mandate that dark meat must be served at the Thanksgiving table at the expense of the space that traditional white meat has earned over the years as if there’s something wrong with eating birds that are genetically modified to be 99.9% tasteless breast meat. And if we’re not careful, it could be coming to a dinner table near you.”
After a prolonged commercial break for Tactical Turkey Carving Bayonets, Carlson continued his rant.
“Now you can ask anyone, some of my best friends enjoy dark meat! I just don’t see why it can’t just be served at another separate but equal location, or just left in the kitchen out of sight where the help can enjoy it,” said Carlson. “It’s bad enough that—thanks to the loons on the left—we can’t even say Happy Thanksgiving anymore. We should at least still be able to stuff our faces at the holidays without having this woke Happy Turkey Day agenda shoved down our throats.”
Carlson then asked viewers to stay tuned for his next segment in which he promised to take a look at the sordid criminal histories of the two turkeys that President Biden pardoned to pose another simple question: Do you feel safe knowing these violent avian criminals are back on the street?
