Just when Seattleites thought it was safe to go outside after this month’s Smokepocalypse, weary residents have been forced to seek refuge underground as endless leaf blower usage has rendered the surface world uninhabitable.
“Journal entry: I’ve lost track of how long we’ve been in hiding. Those who haven’t been driven insane by the unceasing whirring of the leaf blowers have escaped underground, doomed to scrape for survival in the city’s catacombs,” said Shawn Connor, narrating into a tape recorder. “The leaf blowing machines do not tire, mindlessly blowing leaves over here, and then over there for weeks. The leaves are still falling with no end in sight, and I now fear I’ll be among the last alive to witness the emergence of a new machine-dominated epoch: The Age of the Leaf Blowers.”
While Seattle residents struggled to survive Autumn with their ear drums intact, a resistance has started to form in the underground.
“The few scientists that remain have begun to study the leaf blowers, trying to identify a weakness in their design so that we may halt their thunderous domination and reclaim our city,” said Dr. Beth Staley. “The leaf blowers can’t operate autonomously yet and are dependent on the few human hosts who seem impervious to their deafening noise pollution. We have hypothesized that the contraption around their ears might be somehow protecting them, and if we could just harness this shielding technology, we might be able to seize the leaf blowers and end their ear-splitting reign once and for all.”
Hopes to reclaim the surface were quickly dashed after Amazon decided to unveil their new autonomous AI-driven leaf blowing drones, dooming humanity forever.
