A pilot program of Mayor Bruce Harrell’s new ShotSpotter gunshot detection technology ran into a snag this last weekend when the Seattle Police Department attempted to arrest 68,740 people exiting Lumen Field after “loud, suspicious noises” were reported in the area of the Seahawks’ home game.
“Thanks to this revolutionary technology, which allows us to identify that loud noise go boom over there, we were able to quickly determine that the incident near Lumen Field was either 68,740 simultaneous active shooting incidents, or just fans clapping at a Seahawks game,” said SPD spokesperson Perry McCaw. “It took the might of our entire police force to try to arrest everyone leaving the game, but thankfully our generous overtime budget was able to compensate us after we found out it was just Pete Carroll loudly popping his gum.”
Following the incident, Mayor Harrell defended his expensive introduction of the “acoustic gunshot locator system technology” to the city’s budget despite several cities across the country openly admitting over the last decade that purchasing the technology ended up being a completely unhelpful waste of money.
“Look if there’s a better way to answer the question, ‘did anyone else hear that?’ for less than a million dollars, I’m all ears,” said Mayor Harrell, addressing the press today. “I guarantee that everyone leaving Lumen Field on Sundays now will feel a lot safer with the police responding to the thousands of loud noises in the area as if they were all gunshots. You can’t pay for that kind of peace of mind —except with a campaign contribution, of course.”
At press time, a citywide poll showed most Seattle residents were pretty confident the technology was just an unnecessary Nextdoor copycat and far preferred the installation of new Shitspotter tech to find out which neighbors are leaving their dog’s poop on others’ lawns.
