Ahead of a Monday Night Football matchup between the Seattle Seahawks and Denver Broncos, God has reportedly cleared his schedule to watch Russell Wilson’s first primetime smiting of his scorned former team.
“Ooo, this is going to be good. I hope everyone locked their doors tonight because for the next three hours humanity is on their own while I watch my favorite player go biblical on his old team,” said the Judeo-Christian deity, willing a hefty tray of nachos into existence. “I know I’m not supposed to play favorites, but between you and me, mine’s definitely Russ. He can maybe come on a little too strong sometimes, but you can’t ask for a more loyal servant. Now, he better point to me a minimum of three times on the field and thank Me after this game, or bye, Felicia. Next year I’ll make him a Texan.”
While some were surprised at God’s fervent fandom of America’s other religion, the deity maintained that he has watched every game in existence since he placed the seed of the idea in Walter Camp’s head.
“What’s not to love about football? The drama, the betrayal, the violence, it’s all such classic Old Testament energy,” said God. “You know, I’ve been trying to get Jesus into football for years, but that kid is too much of a pacifist—big basketball fan, though. Loves him some Sue Bird.”
When asked why Tom Brady has seen such unparalleled success well into his 40s if Russell Wilson is his favorite, God indicated that it was because Tom sold his soul to another well-known religious figure.
At press time, Seahawk fans were just wondering if there might still be time for Geno Smith to get in on one of those soul-selling deals too.
