With another warm weekend on tap, experts are cautioning people against having one last summertime fling in local lakes filled with toxic algae that reportedly ghosts you after giving you a weird rash.
“One of the hottest Augusts on record set us up for a proliferation of toxic algae that—after giving people painful, embarrassing rashes—disappears from your life entirely despite all the fun you thought you had getting wet and wild together,” said environmental biologist Lauren Thorne. “We’ve found that this particular strain of toxic algae may also attempt to gaslight you, convincing you it’s just a sunburn and that really this is your fault since you didn’t put on enough sunscreen even though you definitely reapplied twice.”
Though the toxic algae can disappear overnight, its effects can be long lasting.
“Ugh, this is so embarrassing, yes, it happened to me too—I think his name was Ryanobacteria,” said Capitol Hill resident Rachel O’Malley. “It’s hot out, you have one too many canned rosés, and suddenly Green Lake is looking real tempting—like, actually attractive for some reason. I figured why not one last skinny-dip before I’m buried under scarves for the next seven months? I just didn’t see any red flags—only countless bright yellow, all-caps ‘warning’ signs posted about it everywhere.”
Experts say they highly encourage local residents to go no-contact with the algae to prevent it from blooming into even more toxic pond scum like Andrew Tate.
