Confirming local business managers’ worst fears that Gen Z and millennial workers would take this new quiet quitting TikTok trend too far, several witnesses confirmed that local employee Kristine Doyle went an entire 9 minutes today without thinking about work.
“Nobody wants to work anymore, and it’s gone too far,” said local business executive Mike Hearns. “According to this surveill—er, I mean productivity tool she doesn’t know I installed on her web camera-enabled company laptop, she’s even been taking actual lunches. Granted, our software can tell from her eye movement patterns that she’s definitely still stressing out about how she’s going to get every task assigned to her done that day. But, come on–it doesn’t take more than 2 minutes to stress-eat a sandwich. For some reason these kids just don’t have any hustle left in them.”
Those who witnessed Kristine’s act of defiant capitalist rebellion said they found her impressively brave, with some on social media praising her as a “boundary queen biatch.”
“She was just, like, at the park enjoying the sunset, free as a bird, man for almost 10 minutes,” said Courtney Bullock, taking a brave one-minute break to stop thinking about the passive aggressive email her boss sent at 8 p.m. “It definitely wasn’t a whole 10 minutes, but almost. Imagine how far she could take this in the future –10, 15, 30 minutes a day without caring about a job where there’s never any incentive anyway for working harder? Who knows!”
At press time, local conservative economists issued an all-out emergency as Kristine turned out the lights in her apartment, climbed in bed, and set her alarm for 8 entire hours later.
