In an unprecedented gesture of generosity—the likes of which the capitalist establishment has never seen—local former CEO Dan Price announced today he’s offering every single American a minimum of $70,000 to forget all about the more than dozen sexual assault allegations against him cited in a New York Times investigation last week.
“Guys, guys: All this info you see out there about prosecutors from Seattle to Palm Springs charging me with assault and rape is just the establishment trying to get me—just like my brother who tried to sue me for taking too much money from the financial services business we co-founded right before I became this country’s economic savior by organizing a press conference to announce I’d begin paying my entire staff the bare minimum I already should have been,” said Price while sitting on a bucket, the only chair the selfless multi-millionaire has in his house due to his giving nature. “Why, these allegations are almost as crazy as my ex-wife who’s been trying to tell people since 2015 that I repeatedly beat, choked and waterboarded her. But, hey, I know it’s confusing—am I living white Jesus or a guy taking advantage of how many people still want a white Jesus? Just take this $70k and we can put this all behind us—violent felonies, giant narcissist red flags and all.”
The ”best boss in America” says he’s also offering an extra $10k to anyone willing to forget that for years his tweets have been ghostwritten by Mike Rosenberg, who Price snapped up right after he was forced out of The Seattle Times for sexual misconduct.
“The only thing that’s shady about me is this 5 o’clock Jesus face shadow, baby. If you’re a hot little local lady, maybe I’ll slip into your DMs so you can see for sure,” Price said. “I’m not going anywhere.”
At press time, more than a million Americans still following him on Twitter and Instagram couldn’t wait to take him up on his offer.
