Emboldened by the Supreme Court’s recent decision that finally allows him to lead group prayers at public school football games on the 50-yard-line, Bremerton High School football coach Joseph Kennedy has now reportedly swapped out the Knights’ Gatorade cooler with communion wine.
“I’m not forcing these kids to pray with me, I’m just following my personal faith and inviting them to participate or else—now if you’ll excuse me, today’s summer practice is finishing and I just want to invite the players to have a replenishing cup of communion wine with me or else,” said Kennedy. “Now legally it’s ‘optional’ to participate, but all I’m going to say is that Stephen didn’t partake last week and then God punished us at a scrimmage by pushing a game-winning field goal wide left. So if you don’t want to ride the bench this season like Judas—sorry, I mean Stephen—I suggest you eat your cracker, say five Hail Marys, drink electrolytes from our only Lord and Savior’s blood, sweat and tears stat.”
While the swap to wine was popular among most of the high school boys, other changes to the football program were met with less enthusiasm.
“Our new playbook now is just the Bible, making the call sheet long and confusing as hell with stuff like ‘1 Cornithians 9:24’ for an inside run play,” said a senior football player who wished to remain anonymous. “By the time I can remember which testament it’s from, the QB’s already said ‘hut hut Christ’ and I’m late on my route. I’m all for grinding tape, but I don’t think I’m gonna learn much about next week’s matchup from watching ‘The Passion of the Christ.’”
At press time, a Satanist football player was being escorted off the practice field and suspended from school for grossing everyone out while drinking his own vampiric stash of blood-based power drinks.
