Officials from the Washington Health Department held a press conference today to announce that they’re just gonna assume a local outbreak of monkeypox most likely originated at the Gum Wall.
“Honestly, none of us want to get close enough to the wall to collect a sample for the tests we need to run, so we’re gonna go out on a limb and say the monkeypox outbreak probably originated at the Gum Wall,” said infectious disease expert Cynthia Miles. “And it wouldn’t be the first virus to spring forth from that putrid mosaic—ever heard of Squirrel Cough? Orca Mumps? Rhinonucleosis? The only reason the Health Department hasn’t taken a flamethrower to that disgusting thing years ago is that we’re fairly confident that it’s going to sprout legs and run away like in John Carpenter’s The Thing.”
Alarm bells have started ringing around the Puget Sound area after local doctors have reported more and more Gum Wall-related diseases in the past few years.
“Our annual physical results have seen such a large spike in Gum Wall-related disease that we’ve added a pre-screening checkbox on our medical forms asking if you’ve recently visited Pike Place Market,” said local physician Albert Monroe. “It’s not just skin irritation and rashes that we’re worried about, but also a rise in Bubble Pneumonia, Juicy Flu and even E.Xtra Coli. God help us if Double Mintengitis starts spreading through our community.”
Health officials suggest that anyone who has recently taken a picture pretending to lick the Gum Wall should delete their Tinder account and quarantine for at least two months for the good of the community.
