To commemorate all the bodily fluids lost while assaulting parents trying to rescue their children from an active shooter, today the Uvalde Police Department announced its officers would now cover their uniforms, cars and front lawns with new Thin Yellow Line flags.
“Dozens of Uvalde police officers lost their underwear in the line of duty Tuesday, forever soiled in a hail of their own piss while cowering behind barricades as innocent children were slaughtered by a rampaging gunman just a few feet away,” said Uvalde police spokesperson Robert Ford. “Alas, the police department only had a paltry 40% of the entire town’s budget, and were therefore left powerless to protect their trousers, let alone elementary school children. Maybe if the town had been more serious about the security of the community, these officers would have been able to cower behind even bigger militarized SWAT vehicles for another 40 minutes to spare at least their innocent boxers and briefs.”
Texas Governor Greg Abbott held an emergency press conference to address the unspeakable loss of underpants at the Uvalde Police Department.
“The great State of Texas will never allow such a humiliating disaster to befall our brave men in blue and wet yellow ever again,” said Gov. Abbott, comforting an officer while dabbing a pee stain from his pants. “I’ve consulted with Senator Ted Cruz who has assured me that underpants with only one entrance are much more secure, so we will be forming a task force to look into this technology immediately. Shoot, I feel like I’m forgetting something,—oh, right, the school and the dead children. Uh, have my assistant send a gift basket with some of those nice thoughts and prayers you get at the Cracker Barrel.”
Pampers later announced that they would be responding to the humanitarian crisis by offering Law Enforcement Edition adult diapers adorned with Punisher logos.
