Following a series of heavily gerrymandered maps sweeping the country, a new proposed King County map would somehow place Pike Place Market within the Bellevue city limits.
“Gerrymandering has traditionally been a tool for political manipulation, but then I thought, why stop there? Why not redistrict our favorite attractions into our local neighborhoods?“ said Homer Murphy, Bellevue resident and representative on the WA Redistricting Commission. “My new proposed map would claim Pike Place Market so that the fine people of Bellevue could enjoy visiting it without all the Seattle riff raff around. A thin legislative territory would then travel up First Hill via Madison, claiming the Whole Foods and Cafe Flora along the way, then grab a chunk of the Arboretum before crossing the 520 Bridge and connecting to Bellevue. We were careful, however, to exclude that disgusting gum wall: Seattle is Dying and it should die with it.”
Following Murphy’s lead, the rich and powerful from King County’s wealthiest areas began proposing their own maps carving up the region’s best attractions for their own consumption.
“Nice Seward Park you got there South Seattle—it’d be a shame if it were to somehow … be redistricted and become part of Mercer Island,” said Mercer Island representative Amy Berry. “And let’s be honest: Canlis is far too nice for the likes of Aurora, so we’ll just pencil in our little reservation for that territory as well. While we’re out shopping, I could go for a little U Village too—those college kids are swimming in so much student loan debt they won’t be able to buy anything there anyways.”
At press time, Amazon CEO Andy Jassy announced they would be looking into their own claim on Amazon’s downtown hub, renaming it South Lake Anti-Union.
