Moms throughout Spokane are reportedly eagerly awaiting Mother’s Day to see you in person for a really big, long hug, and a kiss while reminding you of all the bloodthirsty, violent chaos that takes place in Seattle every day.
“It’s been so long since I’ve been able to spend quality time with my kids, reminisce about the fun we used to have in the backyard every summer, and recap an article I read about how Seattle crime is up 5,000% in the last 10 days, leaving everyone except you there dead,” shared Spokane mom Sherry Walters. “In fact, I’ve got the clipping right here for you to read so you can reconsider living in such a lawless place sure to be swallowed up by the fires of hell any day now. While you’re doing that, I’ll make your favorite – cinnamon rolls!”
Spokane moms went on to say they don’t watch local news often, but they just happened to see a piece about how Seattle is so unsafe that people shouldn’t be out after dark unless they want to get roped into a Fentanyl drug ring and sold into prostitution in less time than it took for Elon Musk to buy Twitter.
“It’s probably best to move back home somewhere in Eastern Washington where most of us don’t believe in your right to bodily autonomy for sure,” said another Spokane mom, Rachel Bradford. “I’m hoping I can at least convince you to re-elect more politicians like Mayor Harrell who, according to KOMO, thwarted a major criminal organization by heroically standing on the corner of 3rd and Pike with a Sharpie and crossing out the bus stop signs on his tippy toes.”
At press time, Spokane moms were reportedly rushing to clean up the house and permanently dispose of all newspaper clippings showing Spokane crime rates are actually on par or worse than Seattle’s.
