With rents skyrocketing and housing inventory shrinking, area landlords have reportedly decided to expand pet rent surcharges to now include a $500 deposit for all sleep paralysis demons.
“Oh come on, my sleep paralysis demon doesn’t even have a physical form, what’s it going to do to the apartment? It’s a 9-foot intangible horror from the depths of my psyche, it’s not like it’s going to chew on the walls,” said local sleep paralysis demon owner Max Fuller. “My death specter only terrorizes me individually whenever it wants. Man, as if I didn’t have enough sleep-induced anxiety as it is, now I need to figure out how to ask my sleep paralysis demon to chip in for rent.”
Smelling blood in the water after a frantic rental season, money-hungry landlords were quick to defend the controversial new policy.
“My ‘no subletting’ policy is right there in the rental contract, and I’m tired of these freeloaders sneaking their sleep paralysis demons onto my property under the shroud of their nightmares,” said local landlord Brian Hardimann. “Some might say demanding a sleep study as part of the applicant background check is a bit extreme, but do you know what would happen to my property value if the local HOA found out a shrouded demonic entity was running around in my tenant’s mind unchecked? Oh no, we’re not going there, mister: And if you don’t like it, you can take that incorporeal fiend from another dimension and find somewhere else to live.”
At press time, local landlords were reportedly also looking into how they could legally require deposits for inner critics.
