While still attempting to appeal the decision of a Trump-appointed Florida judge that struck down the national travel mask mandate, the CDC was totally owned today when an Alaska Airlines jet wrote “don’t be such a little bitch” in the sky over its headquarters.
“Our scientists can confirm that, as of this afternoon, that was not very nice,” said CDC Director Rochelle Walensky. “Also sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will never be a virus that’s killed 6 million people worldwide. We’re still going to appeal the strike-down of our mask mandate—even if you call us four-eyes after giving us a wedgie.”
Alaska Airlines spokesman Jill Maxwell just didn’t see what the big deal was with taking away masking requirements and accused the CDC of continuing to be “real dweebs.”
“So we immediately band-wagoned onto what a bunch of science-denying idiots and Florida wanted – WHAT?” said Maxwell, giving a CDC official at SeaTac Airport a noogie . “Can’t believe how butt-hurt everyone gets when they realize their flight is suddenly a lot less safe, especially for immune-compromised friends and family. ‘Waahh, I need less than a few hours heads up about all pandemic restrictions going away for the first time in over two years.’ Some people are such sensitive snowflakes.”
Until the strike-down of the mask mandate is successfully appealed, the CDC said it will—out of an abundance of caution—be giving Alaska Airlines all their lunch money.
