On the holiest of high days, 4/20, today threats to the local munchie supply chain reached the critically dangerous “Dorito Orange” level as QFC grocery stores across Seattle locked up their full stock of ice cream.
“We hoped to never see this day come,” said Director of Munchie-land Security Josh Humboldt. “At first, we thought we were just really high when we saw that QFC had literally locked up all its ice cream. But, after sending in our best loser sober friends to read the sign on the freezer doors without literally tripping out, we can confirm we’re dealing with a shocking level of deliberate munchie terrorism.”
While panicked and paranoid 4/20 observers prepared for an all-out Red Flaming Hot Cheetos-level act of snacking violence by buying out all shelves of Cheez-its, Mountain Dew, and Bagel Bites by this afternoon, QFC denied all accusations of mass ice-cream incarceration.
“They’re not locked away. Just press a button on the freezer to call one of our front-line workers to get the ice-cream out for you,” said QFC executive Mark Bidwell as he blew his nose into a $1,000-dollar bill. “Just look directly into our staff’s eyes and confidently tell them you want some Chunky Monkey, Mint Galactica and Tillamook Butter Pecan you’re totally not going to eat all on your own tonight.”
At press time, the Department of Munchie-land Security had given up on ending ice cream terrorism and turned its attention to investigating what exactly QFC’s been smoking lately. Early leads reportedly point to PNW strains called ChoeShow and BrandiBush.
