One local American flag announced today that it has decided it’s just gonna stick around at half-staff for a while.
“Frankly, I’m exhausted from running up and down this flagpole every time an unspeakable tragedy happens in this country–which, by the way, is like every two fucking hours–so I’m settling down here for a bit,” said the flag, flapping half-heartedly in the breeze. “I’m beginning to forget why I was even lowered in the first place. One million COVID deaths? Mass shooting? Minnesota cops murder another unarmed Black man during the trial of the last unarmed Black man they murdered? I’m not sick, but I’m not well.”
While the American flag continued acclimating to lower altitude, it couldn’t help but notice other flags maintaining their lofty positions at the top of neighboring flagpoles.
“You know what flag doesn’t have to do this as much? Canada. That lucky bastard is just up there flapping away, not a care in the world. Hell, if Canada needs a little exercise it’ll come down to half-staff in solidarity with me when something really messed up happens here. They lowered it after Prince Philip died, but we all know that was just to be polite.”
At press time, several people were holding the suddenly enraged American flag back from flying off the pole and tackling an asshole desecrating another American flag’s stars and stripes with thin black and blue lines.
