Although the pummeled rubble of Downtown Seattle today is virtually indistinguishable from that of bombed-out World War II London, one local Seattle native says he recalls a time when unicorns once peacefully frolicked along Third Avenue.
“Oh, you should have seen the way the majestic creatures once trotted down the paradise that Third Avenue once was when I was a little tot,” said born and bred Seattle native Paul Kreeger, 65. “Proud gnomes rode them as trusty steeds along streets lined with emerald greenery as adorable jackalopes scuttled away from their hooves. I only wish my children and the new residents of Seattle understood how much Third Avenue used to be Seattle’s pride and joy and how much the only way to get that paradise back is to hand the Seattle Police Department a blank check.”
President of the Downtown Seattle Association agreed with the local amateur historian’s recollection of Third Avenue.
“It’s true: Downtown used to always be a crown jewel where Seattle’s excellent public policy strategies were on full display, brilliant and clever policies that were mostly just trusting that the police department is only government agency that can possibly make anything about this city safe and beautiful,” said DSA President Jon Scholes with his eyes beginning to water. “But then … then it all ended when people starting demonstrating for basic human rights and accountability from police who too often face no consequences for playing judge, jury and executioner. It’s tragic. I mean, like maybe a more than year-long quarantine and pandemic also had something to do with Downtown going down the tubes the last two years, but I’m still pretty sure the main problem was the Black Lives Matter movement and their unsuccessful attempt to get the city to defund the police budget by even a little bit.”
After Kreeger and Scholes spoke out this week saying it’s high time Third Avenue is once again a place where the unicorns roam, where the gnomes and the jackalope play, Mayor Bruce Harrell assured everyone it’ll be back to its former glory in no time simply by doing the same thing all the mayors back then did.
“Don’t worry everyone,” said Mayor Harrell. “The Seattle Police Department assured me they’ll have those unicorns back in a jiffy, soon as I get them a quick billion-dollar budget increase.”
