Ever the authority on clear, definitive health guidelines, today the CDC issued new protocols for those wishing to initiate a strategic, Valentine’s Day-circumventing breakup.
“After initiating the breakup no later than the 12th, we urge you to self-isolate for a minimum of three days from your partner and especially their social media presence,” droned CDC Director Rochelle Walensky at a press conference. “Once this window has elapsed, a sheepish ‘hey’ text may be sent to begin re-contracting the relationship. We are confident in these firm guidelines and promise to not change them for some flippant, profit-motivated reason.”
The news is music to the ears of many looking to swerve the emotionally and financially draining festivities of February 14.
“The CDC has always had my best interest in mind, and they’ve shown it again here!” said Louis Gardener of Bremerton. “After I blew my paycheck on a Playstation 5 and totally spaced on making any dinner reservations, I plan on hitting Alicia with a ‘we need to talk’ right when she gets back from a tough day of work on February 12! She loves me, so what could possibly go wrong?”
Walensky could not be reached for comment about the emerging “Travis-From-Her-Work-Who-May-Be-More-Than-A-Friend” variant that may complicate Gardener’s plan.
