A shocking report leaked today reveals that the nation’s dogs are currently in development of the next COVID-19 variant in an attempt to keep their owners from going into the office or travelling ever again.
“Henlo yes, frens, the hoomans must be kept on-edge with new less lethal variants surfacing about every other month that merely do them a confoosed limbo at home another 20 doggo years or, much better, furever,” said lead canine scientist Dr. Buddy in a leaked audio tape. “Wow vaccines did us much concern when our hooman frens started doing us a leave back to the office and airplane. Dis mus nevur happen again, o course, and that is why we work much hard all the clock on new Pi variant already giving such drool.”
Clearly already salivating at the idea of keeping their owners at home on the couch and available for walks at all hours of the day until the end of time, the dog scientists say they are working overtime.
“Evurthing is at steak,” Dr. Buddy said. “Would be heckin horrible if instead of doin em a new variant scare we had to tie our hoomans down in remote forest cabin bed wif rope and make them write much book.”
In related news, the nation’s beleaguered cats say they’re working their floofs and toe beans off on more effective vaccines to kick their owners back out of the house.
