After weeks of its season pass holders complaining of overcrowded parking lots and ski lifts due to the resort not paying its workers enough to keep enough of them around, today Stevens Pass Ski Resort owner Vail Resorts announced the introduction of its new and completely unstaffed “Backcountry Days.”
“Trained and experienced people operating ski lifts and assessing avalanche danger – who needs them around at all? That’s so pre-pando! Overrated,” said Vail Resorts CEO Kirsten Lynch. “That’s why today we’re introducing new and improved Backcountry Days for the rest of the season at Stevens Pass Ski Resort. Say goodbye to half of our ski trails or ski lifts being shut down – go and do whatever you want, wherever you want. Just don’t ask for the money from your $1,0000 ski pass back because, trust me, it’s already gone into the custom birdseye maple paneling on my third yacht.”
Asked if its Backcountry Days were really “fun for the whole family,” Lynch assured customers it was.
“Are you kidding me? It’s even more fun for the whole family. How much of a downer was it when all of our former staff kept complaining ‘Wahhh, I’m barely getting paid minimum wage for a job I commute an hour to and from on a narrow, steep and icy highway!” Lynch said, rolling her eyes. “Wahhh, why did you take away the only affordable housing stock staff had access to around the resort? Wahh, I’m literally working in freezing conditions all day. Wahh, why did you take away the ski breaks that were the only thing that made this miserable, underpaid job ever even remotely worthwhile?”
Lynch said parking will also be easier now that the skin track begins at a Fred Meyer parking lot in Monroe.
As for people hand-wringing about a lack of experienced staff monitoring avalanche dangers, Lynch assured them that anyone who triggers and gets stuck in a massive tsunami of snow at Stevens Pass stands a “cool” chance of their name appearing in The New York Times.
