Thanks to the tireless work of Washington State Department of Transportation crews and early spring-like weather re-opening all of the state’s major passes again, residents all over the Seattle area say they’re being forced sooner than planned to come up with a plethora of new excuses for why they can’t visit family east of the Cascades.
“Yes, mom, I heard that you can safely drive past North Bend now,” said Seattle resident Ellen Stapleton to her mom in Ritzville today. “And you know, we’d all love to come back, but, well, there are still so many elk with rabies on the roads these days? All the Seattle oil-change car mechanics are on strike – damn you, Jiffy Lube! Besides, my potted Ficus is really going through a lot right now. I think it might be better if we visited next year instead.”
While WSDOT says they are required by law to keep the roads cleared, they empathize with motorists facing a difficult decision of how to avoid the passes despite their increasing safety.
“We see a lot of people not prepared for travel this time of year when the weather gets unexpectedly nice,” said WSDOT spokesman Samuel Peters. “We get desperate calls from people who’ve decided to drive back home to the Tri-cities and then get trapped—they spin out in conversation about whether the pandemic is over, why they decided to move so far away to have a family and why they’re attacking everyone with their diet restrictions. Afraid to be stuck in their family’s house for another minute, too many voluntarily freeze inside their cars overnight crying to Evanescence albums all over again. It’s all very sad and completely avoidable.”
Transportation experts say that if Western Washington residents really must travel east through the mountain passes, they should plan on carrying chains and Xanax.
