Naughty children could be in for a surprise this holiday season after reports emerged that Santa would be leaving large chunks of rubble from the West Seattle Bridge instead of customary lumps of coal.
“Ho ho ho, come along now and sit on Santa’s knee, and I’ll explain how that West Seattle Bridge debris in your stocking came to be,” said Santa, beckoning a Needling reporter to sit on his lap. “You see, Santa was being hounded by climate activists for using non-renewable child punishments, and some naughty elves have been attempting to unionize Santa’s coal mines for the past few years. So what better time to pivot to a government contract disposing of road debris! Now the decaying bridge has provided enough lumps of concrete to fill every naughty child’s stocking from Alki to Leschi, and produced a tidy tax write-off for Santa too.”
While Santa was busy filling his sleigh with construction refuse in preparation for Christmas Eve, outgoing Mayor Jenny Durkan was quick to collect credit on her way out of office.
“You wouldn’t believe how much construction contracts are going for these days, so we decided to let Santa take a few thousand tons of faulty bridge debris off our hands on the cheap,” said outgoing Mayor Jenny Durkan. “Now you might be asking, what’s in it for Jolly Old St. Durk? Well, Santa has an extensive record of text messages detailing who’s been naughty and who’s been nice, and Santa was willing to dispose of those records for the right price.”
Needling reporters later learned that the idea to punish the naughty with road debris came to Santa after he had struggled for days to decide what to leave Joe Manchin in his stocking.
