In what some are calling the fast-fashion event of the millennia, Crocs and Dr. Martens said that next week they’ll be simultaneously releasing their crossover Croc Martens product and ending the entire world as we know it.

“We’re ready to blow the minds of Tik-Tok fast fashionistas the world over with the next micro-trend that will take the fashion industry from the second-most harmful industry to the environment to the one that finally blows it up completely,” said Croc-Marten inventor Sophia Oliver. “Move over Zara, H&M, UNIQLO and Shein: If you can’t finish off this world through unregulated shit-tons of water, air and land pollution while cruelly and unnecessarily exploiting the fuck out of people in third world countries, we will!”

Stylists all over social media are already saying the adorable Croc Marten, which features a breathable crude oil polymer toe box and a grungy corset-tight laced ankle, is sure to wow you and all your friends as you take your last breaths together.   

“It literally takes our breath away,” said Gen Z celebrity stylist Peter Hayes. “When you see how much water it takes to make even a pair of these and how much toxic chemicals get dumped into rivers and gives hundreds of little children lifelong liver problems, you will literally die of guilt alone.”

Rumor on the street though is that the world may not even have to wait until next Wednesday to meet its untimely end at the Croc-Martens release event: On Monday shoe retailers are expected to start selling vegan fur Chaco UGG boots.

Previous articleElf on the Shelf Loses Job to Automation
Next articleSanta to Leave Lumps of West Seattle Bridge in Naughty Kids Stockings