With COVID cases surging and the Aurora testing line backed up for miles, one local man is holding out hope that he can make it to the home stretch past Home Depot by the time the next variant is discovered.
“When I set out from Green Lake two days ago, I hoped I’d at least make it to Home Depot by now. At this point, though, I’d settle for getting close enough to hop out of my car and run to El Camion for tacos before there’s a new variant,” said Byron Jackson, shifting his idling car into park and gazing out the window. “I would have turned around a long time ago if it wasn’t for the Evergreen Washelli Cemetery staring at my mortality in the face this whole time. Instead, I’ve caught up on about 40 podcasts and now know more about Dax Shepard than anyone I’ve ever known in my real life.”
Local public health officials urged people to be patient, stay in line and keep the faith that they’ll see the sign for Mekong Village in another month or so.
“I don’t think anyone’s gonna want to miss out on getting tested for COVID’s next Greek alphabet-named variant due to be released on March 14 – delicious Pi!” said Dr. Osmond Phillips. “If I were you, I would keep crawling towards Home Depot even if you’ve been sitting there long enough to delusionally begin thinking you could totally build and finish your own deck.”
At press time, the Seattle Department of Transportation was reportedly asking public heath officials to reconsider their guidance to prevent a catastrophic convergence of the Aurora COVID testing line and Ballard Goodwill line that could keep people from reaching Home Depot for as much as another year.
