Visitors of a local Thanksgiving feast were treated to dinner and a show today after a can of jellied cranberry sauce performed a seductive little shimmy out of its can.
“Ladies and gentleman, it’s the side dish you’ve all been waiting for, coming up next to the dinner table it’s a can of Ocean Spray jellied cranberry sauce!” said Thanksgiving host Benson Parker, holding the can of jellied cranberry sauce aloft. “Feast your eyes on this sultry number as it slowly wiggles out of its can onto Grandma’s fine china with an oh-so-satisfying ‘schlorp.’ It’s sweet, it’s tart, it’s got antioxidants in all the right places—it’s even ribbed for your dining pleasure!”
While the holiday diners were entertained by its gelatinous gyrations, other Thanksgiving dishes were less impressed with the showy display.
“Oh, that cranberry sauce is such a diva. It only gets laid out of the can once a year and it always makes such a big deal about it,” said Turkey, admiring its shiny, golden skin while basking in the oven light. “We all know who the real star of the show is—moi. That’s why they keep your dented-ass can with the ripped label in the back of the pantry until they blow the dust off you five minutes before dinner. Meanwhile, my devoted admirers have been lovingly basting me for five hours. And don’t get me started on candied yams, with your nasty marshmallows trying to act like you’re a dessert when we all know you’re a potato.”
Meanwhile, all feast visitors and participants agreed that they enjoy Stuffing more for what it does than what it looks or tastes like.
