A local man’s chances of reaching the ballot box were smothered today after an avalanche of election campaign mailers buried him alive after opening his mailbox.
“The good news is that I’ve had a lot of time to read up on who to vote for while trapped under this pile of campaign mailers—the bad news is that I don’t think I’m going to be able to claw myself out in time to actually get my ballot in,” said Tim Bartlett between muffled cries for help. “Though there’s some weird stuff on the mailers this year—NTK’s mailer assigned me homework, Ann Davison’s only endorsement is a picture of a big pile of money, and this Bruce Harrell one just says CRIME BAD POLICE GOOD in giant, bold letters. I’m hoping somewhere in here there’s at least another bag of Chukar Cherries from Lorena Gonzalez.”
Election officials warned that turnout may be hampered this year due to campaign mailer avalanche incidents across the city and strained resources to rescue everyone before 8 p.m. Tuesday night.
“Due to a slate of highly contested local elections this year, mailboxes have been overflowing with campaign mailers in quantities we haven’t seen in years—I believe the scientific unit of measurement is called ‘a shitload’,” said a spokesperson for the Washington Secretary of State. “We advise all voters to check avalanche conditions online before venturing out to their mailbox and always carry a shovel in case you need to dig a neighbor out of an avalanche next door. Maybe bring a canine mailbox buddy trained to fetch help with code phrases that double as dog whistles like ‘Seattle is Dying’ or ‘The Seattle Times Editorial Board.’ Or, even better, just avoid your mailbox completely by checking out endorsements online from The Stranger and The Urbanist, then turn your ballot into a King County Elections Dropbox.”
Bartlett later revealed that the only thing that’s kept him going during his harrowing 48 hours under the pile of mailers was the thought of using a coupon for one free pound of organic pears from a PCC mailer.
