Rescue crews are still attempting to extract a woman trapped on a Diva Espresso café patio in Broadview this evening after the woman promised to watch everyone’s laptops “for just a second.”
“I’ve seen it a million times,” said Seattle firefighter Ron Oliver wiping sweat from his brow. “One person sees your trustworthy, cherubic face and thinks they can safely leave their belongings with you forever. We’re gonna try to get her out of here by nightfall, but I can’t promise anything.”
The woman—who started watching 3 laptops, a lavender oatmilk iced latte and a sassy Shiba Inu more than two hours ago—is reportedly just the latest victim in a rising number of café entrapments.
“We’re seeing a lot of this lately as vaccinated people start working on stuff at local cafes again while forgetting that you never end up watching someone’s laptop ‘for a second,”’ said Seattle Fire Chief Harold Scoggins between giving the woman directions via loudspeaker from the safety of a fire truck. “Everyone knows one second turns into a steady cascade of everyone around you getting up to go to the bathroom and get extra lattes for who knows how long. And then you’re stuck – maybe forever.”
By sundown rescue crews had been able to extract her from babysitting all three laptops and the iced latte that was now too watery for anyone to consume, but were still wondering how to extract her from whatever asshole ditched their dog for that long.
“Honestly, we’re about five minutes from letting her adopt the dog and calling it a day.”
