In a stunning upset against Pacific Supply’s Wyatt Binder, longtime Stoneway Hardware worker Matt Hartaway came away from this year’s Pacific Northwest Olympics Camper or Murderer? guessing event today with his first gold.
“After seeing a customer pick up a tarp, rope, duct tape, zip-ties and hatchet, I almost went with ‘murderer,’” said a breathless Hartaway as his coworkers doused him in celebratory sawdust. “But then I saw him glance a little too long at one of those cute little Yeti coolers and I knew he was most likely camping.”
Binder, the five-time returning champion, unfortunately didn’t pick up on the clue right and went all the way the other direction with ‘murderer.’
“Sure, a Yeti cooler is a good spot to stow away some ice-cold brewskies for a camping trip,” said Binder. “But I guess I just got carried away thinking it’d also be ideal for a few freshly harvested organs. Really botched it this year, but I’m glad to see a new generation of paranoid hardware store workers continue the skill and tradition of wondering whether each and every customer they serve is just an especially handy outdoorsman or about to commit a premeditated murder.”
Expert event commentators said they hadn’t seen such a serious blunder in the history of the game since 1979 when a Sacramento area Hardy’s Hardware employee failed to connect Golden State Killer and then-police officer Joseph James DeAngelo Jr. to a spate of nearby grisly crimes as he stole dog repellant and a hammer.
Binder and Hartaway nonetheless shared a touching embrace during the raising of the Cascadia flag.
Bronze went to Medford, Oregon hardware store worker Chris Weekly who was just edged out of silver and gold when he assumed a customer purchasing fire-starter was trying to murder his entire state.
