A sales manager at a South Lake Union office was left horrified today after discovering his intern had gone feral after he was accidentally left in the office for 16 months during the COVID-19 pandemic.
“I had this sinking feeling that I had forgotten something in the office before we left for quarantine, when suddenly I saw some kind of wild beast tear across the office heading towards the break room,” said Bill Jacobs, Regional Manager at PugeTech. “When I got a closer look I saw our intern, Brandon, snarling at me, and I realized in all the commotion I must have forgotten to tell him he could go home. When they announced the stay-at-home order we all just left so quickly, I only had time to grab my laptop, keys, and a tub of Costco peanut butter pretzels from the break room before I locked up and rushed out of there. He’s such a good kid, and was so eager to please that he must have just waited here this whole time until he finally lost his mind and turned feral. I’m just glad he’s an unpaid intern or we might be looking at some serious overtime.”
Following his shocking discovery, Jacobs quickly called Human Resources to help him insulate the company from any liability borne from the unfortunate act of negligence.
“Come on out of there Brandon and we’ll write you a nice recommendation letter and get you back to UW,” said HR Manager Flora McGill, trying to coax the frail, scraggly intern out from behind the office couch with a trail of Kind bars. “It appears that he’s been surviving on fruit leather and various nut milks from the break room—it’s just really lucky that we brought in birthday donuts from Top Pot that day or he might not have lasted this long. He left the office a real mess too, it looks like he took printer ink and plastered the walls with crude drawings chronicling his time in confinement. It starts off pretty lucid with hash marks and pictures, but you can see halfway down the wall he’s switched his medium to feces and that’s when we estimate he finally went feral. It’s a bit avante-garde for a corporate mural so we won’t be keeping it, but we’re happy to see he kept himself occupied.”
McGill later confirmed that once Brandon is released from the hospital, he’s welcome to return to work off the cost of office cleaning, printer ink, and $300 worth of premium hemp milk he consumed while in confinement.
