Following a flurry of racist and sexist tweets directed towards everyone from Rep. Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez and Dr. Fauci to LeBron James and Lola Bunny, a heartbreakingly insignificant man is reportedly bracing himself to be cancelled any day now.
“I’m one of the last remaining free thinkers who’s not afraid to speak the truth, and for the capital crime of ‘telling it like it is’ Jack Dorsey is surely mobilizing his PC Police to cancel me as we speak,” said Bert Pagano, bravely all-caps typing into the Twitter void to a captive audience of 14 followers. “It’s just a matter of time before AOC sends her ‘squad’ to cancel me for good after I tweeted her ‘make me a sandwich, bartender’ at 2 a.m. on a Tuesday. I know she saw it because my wifi went out for a little bit after that, on account of how the liberals control the media. You know, Orson Welles warned us about this sort of thing in his book 1984, but I wouldn’t expect a liberal to read anything that wasn’t recommended on Oprah’s Book Club.”
While Pagano awaited his imminent cancellation, he indulged himself with one last moment to reflect on his victimhood before his free speech was forcibly stripped from him by jackbooted social justice warriors for good.
“If you listen carefully, you can practically hear the keyboards at that liberal rag The New York Times clacking away, writing up news announcing that I’m officially cancelled,” said Pagano, checking his phone for the fifth time in the last 30 seconds. “Yep, any minute now. As I await my state-sponsored cancellation, I can’t help but think of how I’m destined to share the same fate as another great conservative philosopher much like myself, Socrates. Both freethinkers, pressured by the deep state to recant our beliefs and submit to the woke propaganda of the day. Both forced to ingest poison – Socrates, a deadly potion made of hemlock, and me, a so-called ‘life-saving’ vaccine produced by the Pfizer corporation. Really makes you think, don’t it?”
At press time Pagano was still pacing the room, impatiently awaiting his ascension to the ranks of history’s most renowned cancelled martyrs, Kevin Sorbo and Pepe Le Pew.
