Post Alley has transformed into a scene straight out of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory today as vaccinated adults ravage the once-beloved landmark, nibbling on gum that has lived on the wall since the Obama era.
“Ever since I got my shot, I feel invincible!” said Esther Wilkinson with a wad of visibly hard Juicy Fruit between her teeth. “Nothing can stop us now – not even Mono, Hepatitis or whatever that crunchy black thing on this gum wad was!”
City officials have expressed concern for the landmark’s future and have even begun monitoring other monuments, such as the Space Needle, for hungry tourists. To combat this, the city has hired Randy, a local 22-year-old, to sit in Post Alley at all times chewing gum and replenishing the Gum Wall, only stopping to swallow a piece or two for sustenance.
“This job blows,” said Randy. “I’m pretty sure we should just tell these folks that there’s still plenty of other ways to die and get sick besides COVID, but I think they may be too rabid now to hear the message.”
As of this evening, at least 8 people had swollen up like balloons after ingesting blueberry gum and been rolled way by on-call Pike Place Oompa Loompas.
