Tensions are high today say thousands of Seattle voters furious that Pete Holmes is corrupt enough they’ve now been forced to learn what a city attorney even does.
“Personally, I find it unconscionable and inexcusable that I so much as know his name,” said Seattle voter Mark Burton, scrolling through Wikipedia. “It already took me half an hour to Google all the candidates in the Mayor column. I skipped Casey Sixkiller though—that’s obviously a fake name like Goodspaceguy.”
Some voters said word spreading that Holmes sucks led to as much as several minutes of reading about wtf a city attorney even is.
“Ugh, okay, so apparently they’re not supposed to just spinelessly enable mayors who act like they didn’t just let SPD teargas a neighborhood for an entire week, deliberately erase public records on a regular basis, retaliate against staff trying to uphold public record law, and sue journalists who request public records,” said Brenda Niles while doing last-minute research for her primary ballot due in a King County ballot drop box by 8 p.m. today Tuesday, Aug. 3. “It seems like they’re supposed to independently uphold local laws by prosecuting people who break them – even when those people are the mayor, police or a giant corporation like Amazon? Nahhh, must be some conspiracy theory. Could you imagine?!”
Despite many Seattle voters getting the creeping feeling they probably should have started caring more about who and what a city attorney is a long time ago, most local residents mostly remained pissed at Pete Holmes and honestly a little confused about why he hosts a comedy podcast called You Made It Weird.
“The fact that I feel obligated to even graze my eyes over the City Attorney portion of The Stranger endorsement guide to see I should vote for public defender Nicole Thomas-Kennedy instead … ,” Niles said shaking her head. “That’s less than five minutes I’m never gonna get back.”
