After being forced to watch Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson return from space with no consequences for their continued pillaging of the planet and mankind, America was dealt a further blow today after learning that Ted Cruz, was still alive at age 50.
“It is with a heavy heart that we must inform the great people of the United States of America that Senator Ted Cruz is tragically both still alive and well,” read a White House Press Release. “We would like to extend our sincere condolences to his family, who must endure the unending humiliation of familial relations with Ted Cruz. We would in particular like to lend our deepest sympathies to his wife, who had to watch her husband curl up into the lap of Donald Trump like a mewling kitten after Trump publicly called her ugly, and his children, whom he blamed for his own cowardice when fleeing to Cancun during a record ice storm that killed 210 people. We would also like to send thoughts and prayers to the people of Texas where Cruz is blaming their current COVID-19 spike on ‘immigrants being purposefully released into the population’ instead of supporting any serious vaccination drives.”
Reactions to the news have rippled through the nation, sending many into a downward spiral of dismay and hopelessness.
“I would have thought for sure he would have fatally succumbed to like, some gross skin disease only snails can get by now,” said Seattle resident Tim Capelli. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do if by years’ end at least Ted Cruz isn’t sucked up by a tornado.”
At press time, Jeff Bezos had reportedly offered Ted Cruz a seat on the next Blue Origin flight to escape Earth’s wrath.
Photo by Gage Skidmore
