After taking what seemed an innocent stroll down the sunny Seattle waterfront, several witnesses say a puddle of sunblock is all that remains today of a Seattleite who dared to hit their 80-degree melting point.
“At first I saw a glare that nearly blinded me,” said tourist Dan Garcia of Yakima. “I realized it was a sweaty Seattleite doused in sunblock and wondered what he was doing out here when everyone knows Seattleites instantly liquefy at their 80-degree melting point. He went pretty quick – a few “I’m melting, MELTING!”s and all that was left of him on the pier was this pasty white puddle.”
Investigators are still trying to find out why the Seattleite, identified as Greg Whitman, went for a walk in full sunshine on a day hotter than 75 degrees, but so far have only located his Downtown apartment neighbor who saw him before he went out.
“That was Greg, alright, always flying too close to the sun with his penchant for spending more than 15 minutes outside in full sunshine,” said Whitman’s neighbor, Patrick Hodges. “Protecting your skin out there on days like this is only half the battle. He always seemed to forget that being a Seattleite means your insides melt down faster than Mariner Tom Murphy’s post-walk-off face.”
With more sizzling 80-degree temperatures coming up this week, local public health and weather authorities are reminding all Seattleites about the realities of the remarkably low temperatures they completely liquefy under.
“Please exercise extreme caution. There are no clouds out there today so, to be frank, until the partly cloudy forecast comes back y’all don’t stand a chance.”
