A Ballard man has been left in disbelief today after not even a single member of his local Buy Nothing group showed interest in his generous offer of a half-eaten box of waffles.
“I just don’t understand it, I’m giving away most of a box of thawed Eggo waffles I put out on my lawn this morning, but apparently the bougie bitches in my neighborhood are too good for free food,” said Stefan Waldron, staring in disbelief at his commentless five-hour old post on his local Buy Nothing Facebook group. “Here I am providing a vital service to this community, giving away a veritable bounty of food I didn’t like, mildly soiled baby goods, damaged Etsy ceramics, and furniture I didn’t feel like dragging out to the lawn, and this is the thanks I get? I have half a mind not to even bother posting the empty pasta jars I just found in my garage.”
While the service has provided useful garden tools, sporting goods, and knick knacks to local communities around the Seattle area, a flood of strange consumer goods have flooded the service in response to the surging donation lines at nearby Goodwill locations.
“I can’t complain too much when I got these great garden pots last week, but what the hell am I supposed to do with a half-melted penis candle from an old bachelorette party?” said Clarissa Strong, scrolling through the facebook page. “You can’t even pass it off as a ‘1’ on a birthday cake, it’s still got throbbing veins and a pair of balls on it. And look at this, a box of tangled ethernet cables? Cold fries from the bottom of a Kidd Valley bag? A pair of mismatched Crocs? And this guy is giving away a broken ceiling fan and a stained Teddy Ruxpin doll with a Bloodhound Gang cassette tape stuck inside it on the condition that you take both. I could probably use the Ruxpin doll singing Bad Touch on repeat, but what am I going to do with a broken ceiling fan?”
Across the city, the Downtown Buy Nothing Group was reportedly flooded with ‘barely-used’ cellphones belonging to Mayor Jenny Durkan.
