In a change of pace from typical Prime Day sales on high-in-demand devices and products, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos says this year Prime customers will be getting deals exclusively on the stuff MacKenzie left at the house.
“Yeah, I don’t know what this is – an electric massager? MacKenzie was really into it,” sighed Bezos, chucking a used Hitachi Magic Wand back into five dozen cardboard boxes of his ex-wife’s miscellaneous junk sitting in his Medina mansion driveway. “Original retail value couldn’t be that much – you know what? I’ll give it to ya for $15. I’ll even throw in a free cherrywood picture frame I’m not gonna bother taking our wedding photo out of. It’s all gotta go. Just nice to do a deep clean and declutter before you get shot into space, you know?”
Mystified at what most of the possessions were or what they ever meant to his former wife, Bezos continued poring over the objects and guessing their value for an assistant to list on the Amazon Prime Day website.
“American Book Award-winning The Testing of Luther Albright? The fuck is this?” Bezos asked, tossing the novel his ex-wife spent 10 years writing into a discount used-book bin. “I told her or her new husband to pick this stuff up a million times, but no one came back for it. So, as part of my Climate Pledge to reduce waste, I’ve committed to trying to make at least a little money off this shit I probably should have just dumped off at Goodwill as soon as the divorce was official two years ago.”
A preview of other items available for this year’s Prime Day include fantastic shoes, dresses with plunging necklines, and one elementary school science book with a heart drawn over the “i.”
