An environmental disaster was declared today after a hot tub boat ran aground in Lake Union, spilling gallons of an unnatural mixture of toxic fluids that had pooled within its heated cedar walls.
“We’re monitoring the situation closely, but right now there’s a football field-sized pool of oily flotsam comprised of at least nineteen different kinds of hard seltzer, nacho cheese, urine-bleached Chubbies shorts, and a USB harddrive containing an NFT from Elon Musk’s SNL appearance,” said marine biologist Bethany St. Brown, slipping into a waterproof hazmat suit. “While we’re confident that we can probably scrape all that queso off the ducks, there is some concern that if local wildlife find that USB they may be exposed to libertarian media that can cause great harm in juvenile males.”
While the incident is the first of its kind in Seattle, scientists have long warned that this kind of environmental devastation was inevitable.
“Despite multiple warnings that they would try it someday, inevitably one of these hot-tub boat parties hopped up on huckleberry seltzer ran aground while trying to dock at Ivar’s Salmon House for their signature lavender butter,” said St. Brown. “Now I fear it’s only a matter of time before nearby geese are covered in Chelsea’s bachelorette party mimosas.”
By Friday evening, several environmental activists were seen in kayaks outside the Ballard Locks to block the entrance of Jeff Bezos’ 417-foot Mega Hot Tub Yacht.
