In what used to be a regular 2 a.m. ritual, one aging fuckboy’s late-night hookup texts have steadily migrated closer to an optimal bedtime each year since passing the age of 30.
“Back in college I used to fire off a dozen late night booty call texts every night of the week, but now if I don’t get my hookup texts off by 10:30 I’ve already passed out before I can get a response,” said Ben Roberts, canvassing his Instagram DMs with a barrage of suggestive emojis. “With my new strategy, I still have the energy to offer one lucky lady a generous two minutes of foreplay before three-to-four minutes of rhythmic, piston-like lovemaking and still get my doctor-recommended eight hours of sleep. Before the cresting wave of disappointment has completed its journey down her face, the medical hum of my CPAP machine has already lulled me into dreamland.”
While Roberts was busy sending off his next three booty-call texts in between aggressively loud yawns, the first recipient had just turned over her phone to see her sensibly scheduled request for fornication.
“Honestly it’s not a bad idea on paper, but he’d probably have better luck if he’d stop pitching the idea as an ‘early-bird dick special,’” said regular text recipient Claire Barnes, carefully checking the message without opening it so that it wouldn’t reveal that it’d been seen. “Usually men have the uncanny ability to send these texts exactly 30 seconds after I’ve started my skin care routine, but before 10 I’m just absently scrolling through memes while watching some serial-killer doc on Netflix. The fatal flaw in his plan is that Ben is gross and I hate him. A lot.”
Experts predict his texts may venture even earlier as he finally resorts to booty-calling women anywhere close to his own age.
