At a family gathering today, local baby boomer Aunt Patty shared news of millennial niece Grace Wilson’s decision to go vegan in the same discreet, hushed voice used to discuss a horrific, life-altering disease.
“I’m not even sure I should be telling you this, but Grace actually has been diagnosed—well, no, she’s voluntarily decided to become … vegan. Grace is vegan,” whispered Aunt Patty to her siblings. “I don’t know when it happened or what caused it, but she can’t eat meat or anything from a cow or chicken or a gluten. I’m praying her parents are taking it okay – I can’t imagine.”
While side-eying Grace eating a salad across the room with concern, several elder relatives said they hoped maybe it wasn’t true and asked her parents if she was willing to get a second opinion on whether eating meat is bad for the environment or not.
“We don’t know how long it’s going to take to fight this, but we’re gonna do everything we can to remind her there is no quality vegan substitute for mozzarella and there never will be,” said Grace’s mother, Sally Wilson. “She knows we love her, and we’re here for her.”
At press time, several sympathetic family members offered to make “poor little Grace” a grilled cheese with a cup of “hormone-free” goat milk or “something with fish.”
