A troubling report released by the CDC today has revealed that all of your friends, acquaintances, colleagues, and Insta crushes have already received their COVID-19 vaccination shots except you, even fucking Brendan.
“Our records indicate that while you specifically have been unable to get a vaccine appointment, the worst person you know waltzed into a pharmacy three weeks ago to loudly purchase a single Magnum condom and walked out with a coveted single-shot dose of the Johnson & Johnson vaccine,” said CDC spokesperson Mel Grant. “Yes, Brendan, who spent the last two days retweeting Chet Hanks about the upcoming ‘White Boy Summer’, will be out this weekend in a hot tub boat drinking seltzers in a polyester romper, trying to pick up women walking past by asking ‘if they’d like a single shot of his Johnson & Johnson’, while you are still at home trying to wrangle a pathetic Zoom date that’s well past its expiration.”
Public health officials are still urging you to patiently remain in your home while every vaccinated friend around you has already emerged from their quarantine cocoons for an orgy of tactile revelry that only you will be missing out on.
“We must strongly recommend that you stay off social media until April 15th, lest you drive yourself into a feral, impetuous rage when you see the guy that went to Mexico three times in the last year with his mask under his chin pose with his vaccination card because he’s ‘doing his part,'” Grant said. “Oh, it’s definitely going in his Tinder profile, too.”
In a crushing blow to the single strand of dwindling sanity tethered to the thought that you don’t want to leave your sourdough starter alone in this cruel world, Krispy Kreme has announced that they will discontinue their free donut incentive the day before you finally receive your vaccine.
