Son of God, Jesus Christ, announced this morning his annual resurrection re-enactment has officially been postponed by snooze button as he continues sleeping in until everyone is vaccinated.
“Just text me when you guys are all done getting your vaccinations, and I’ll get up – I’ve got my ringer on,” said Christ, curling back into his white blankets. “I’m tired of wearing masks, hearing you lie about limiting your contact to one pod of people, asking which dose you’re on – just, like, save yourselves for once.”
Jesus is rumored to be dismayed by the events of the last year around the globe including the heartless response to the COVID crisis, racial strife, and an apathy toward society’s most vulnerable.
“Apparently Jesus plans on hitting the snooze button and sleeping in another month or two. We are looking at a summer Easter from what I am told. I was taken aback, as we all were,” said local Pastor Father Joe Saporitti. “It’s okay. I actually prefer stale Peeps.”
While he continues napping, Jesus reportedly said he would also appreciate if churches could finally get rid of those creepy and inaccurate blonde, blue-eyed paintings of himself.
“I swear to myself if I see anyone defending that Aryan nation kind of crap, I’ll keep hitting snooze — soo tired of it.”
