Following weeks of freakishly cold weather and record rainfall, one local man has spent all day leering through his cracked blinds at the suspiciously sunny day, trying to determine what trick Mother Nature has in store for him the moment he leaves his home.
“We just got thrashed by whatever the hell an ‘atmospheric river’ is and you expect me to believe that it’s just suddenly a picture perfect warm sunny day in the middle of January? Yeah, nice try,” said Parker Wallace, slowly lifting a blind and peeking out of the window. “I’m onto you, Mother Nature. I’m gonna get halfway across Green Lake and then suddenly the sky is going to open and unleash a biblical flood onto my head. And don’t think I’ve forgotten about the Murder Hornets!”
With each passing hour of idyllic Seattle weather, Wallace grew increasingly suspicious of what trickery Mother Nature had in store for him.
“Oh, an ice cream truck just so happens to come down my block on this perfect sunny day? I’ve read The Odyssey, I’m not falling for that Siren’s call,” said Wallace, pacing back and forth in his living room. “Next it’s going to be the angelic cacophony of children’s laughter from a nearby park lulling me into a false sense of security. I know the minute I set foot out this door we’re going to be hit by some kind of Snownado or find out that the crows have learned how to use knives. I’m gonna stay in here until it starts raining again, when I know it’s safe to miserably trudge outside again.”
Needling reporters were able to confirm that Knife Crows are, in fact, now a thing.
